i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
