Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Found the puke drawer
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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