I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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