Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
...so i touched it.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I need to calm my uterus...
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