Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
