Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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