just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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