All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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