So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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