It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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