You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
