I faked an abortion last night.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
