Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
