i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
