I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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