Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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