If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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