Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
