I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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