I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
