You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
