Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
