I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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