The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
