please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
