I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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