i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
