Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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