Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
