foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
