im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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