My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
