my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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