Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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