she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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