if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
