I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
