I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
