I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
