when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
