It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
