You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
