I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
