You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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