Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize