I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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