Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Alive.
So much puke
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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