I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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