There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
