After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
