Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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