Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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