yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize