I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
