I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
