God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
